I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize