I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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