Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
