I can tuck mytits in my pants
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
