Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
