The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
