i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
