its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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