So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
