There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
