i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
