I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
