i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
