how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
