Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
