I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
