im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
