i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
