I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
