apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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