So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
