He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
