There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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