A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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