its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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