Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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