You really coming over, don't trick.
Soap is not a condiment
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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