can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize