I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
