I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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