i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
