Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
