someone threw a dead crab at me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
