Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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