Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
