im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
