I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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