seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
