The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
