There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
