remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
