i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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