I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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