i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
