I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
