What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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