I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
