UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize