I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
