I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
