If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
