I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
