Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
