After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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